Kolby and I hiked Weimar Institute which supposedly used to be a hospital for people with TB and what we think housed a lot of wounded or sick soldiers. We hiked to the massive graveyard there. It was definitely the craziest graveyard I’ve ever seen. 

I’m gonna start this off by saying I’m very aware that I’m not any huge, crazy success story. I wasn’t overweight my whole life. I actually struggled with a painful eating disorder for years and was deemed seriously underweight when I was a teenager by my doctor at one point. I CAN honestly say that struggling with my weight has been a constant journey; an emotional one at that.

With that being said, over the past few years, I started gradually gaining weight, specifically over a few months where was incredibly depressed, anxiety ridden, lifeless and stressed. I was on an emotional downward spiral but fighting with absolutely everything I had in me. On one hand I was worried about my health, so I saw doctors to make sure my weight gain wasn’t health related. My doctors basically just laughed at me and said I was fine. So then I went on a dieting and exercise rampage. I worked out six days a week, found a personal trainer, went on rigorous diets. I tried everything from Atkins to calorie counting to shakeology to paleo and the list goes on and on.

Now that I’ve laid that out for you, I’d like to say that there is nothing wrong with eating healthy, dieting and exercising. I highly encourage it in healthy doses and mindsets. The point of this blog is to bring to light that I was missing the big picture: I WASNT HAPPY.

To add to my emotional spiral, in the beginning I was drinking excessively, replacing meals with beers, as if that works, and then punishing myself with starvation. Finally, I actually got on a healthy routine and wasnt drinking, was eating healthy, exercising regularly, but I still wasn’t losing any weight. I actually gained some. I was still missing the big picture. And then I broke my leg.

Breaking my leg was pretty much the lowest of the low for me. It really affirmed that lie in my head that “you’ll never be good enough. Just stop trying”. I felt worthless and helpless. I tore all the ligaments in my ankle, dislocated and broke my ankle and split my tibia and fibula from the ankle up. Every effort I was making in exercise was brought to a halt. I look back now and feel like this was God saying “please stop torturing yourself, I’m trying to show you that this isn’t what you need to change.” I continued to gain weight. 

Almost two years ago now, I decided to move back to california, to an area I’d never even been to before. The beginning of my move was fairly rough. I was still in that very low spot when I moved, but I knew I wasn’t going to get out of it where I was. I gathered up pretty much every ounce of courage I had left, which wasn’t very much, and just decided to push on. I gave up the stress of my diets. Let go of my poor self esteem. Found a true friend in my life who didn’t see all of my faults and thought I was pretty much the bees knees. I delved into my art more and found endless support from the people around me. I quit smoking and quit drinking for the most part. I found a home. 

I was 183 pounds when I got to california and as soon as I found my happy place, the weight just started falling off. My clothes didn’t fit anymore, customers at work were noticing before I even noticed. I was just happy and hadn’t even thought about my weight. The only thing I was doing to forward my health was consciously thinking about portion control. Only eating until I wasn’t hungry anymore. And it was easy to do because I didn’t feel so stressed about what was going into my body. I didn’t feel lost or like I wasn’t going to be taken care of. I didn’t feel like I had to fill my body with food because it wasn’t getting what it needed emotionally. 

I lost 45 pounds doing absolutely nothing but changing my life. I changed my surroundings, lifestyle, habits, and goals and my body agreed with those changes. I made myself happy and everything else fell into place. People think that there is a miracle diet or workout routine that will make them look perfect, which I wholeheartedly agree that these things can HELP those in need. However, if you aren’t okay in your heart first, you will fail almost every time. I wrote this because people constantly notice my weight loss and ask me what diet I’m on. I’m not on a diet. I actually eat pretty much whatever I want. I just decided to fight back the voice that told me I didn’t deserve to be happy.

I hope this blog helps someone out there that is trying desperately to find a cure to their sadness and struggles. You can do it. Your mind is more powerful than you could ever imagine. You just have to want it. 

I’m gonna start this off by saying I’m very aware that I’m not any huge, crazy success story. I wasn’t overweight my whole life. I actually struggled with a painful eating disorder for years and was deemed seriously underweight when I was a teenager by my doctor at one point. I CAN honestly say that struggling with my weight has been a constant journey; an emotional one at that.

With that being said, over the past few years, I started gradually gaining weight, specifically over a few months where was incredibly depressed, anxiety ridden, lifeless and stressed. I was on an emotional downward spiral but fighting with absolutely everything I had in me. On one hand I was worried about my health, so I saw doctors to make sure my weight gain wasn’t health related. My doctors basically just laughed at me and said I was fine. So then I went on a dieting and exercise rampage. I worked out six days a week, found a personal trainer, went on rigorous diets. I tried everything from Atkins to calorie counting to shakeology to paleo and the list goes on and on.

Now that I’ve laid that out for you, I’d like to say that there is nothing wrong with eating healthy, dieting and exercising. I highly encourage it in healthy doses and mindsets. The point of this blog is to bring to light that I was missing the big picture: I WASNT HAPPY.

To add to my emotional spiral, in the beginning I was drinking excessively, replacing meals with beers, as if that works, and then punishing myself with starvation. Finally, I actually got on a healthy routine and wasnt drinking, was eating healthy, exercising regularly, but I still wasn’t losing any weight. I actually gained some. I was still missing the big picture. And then I broke my leg.

Breaking my leg was pretty much the lowest of the low for me. It really affirmed that lie in my head that “you’ll never be good enough. Just stop trying”. I felt worthless and helpless. I tore all the ligaments in my ankle, dislocated and broke my ankle and split my tibia and fibula from the ankle up. Every effort I was making in exercise was brought to a halt. I look back now and feel like this was God saying “please stop torturing yourself, I’m trying to show you that this isn’t what you need to change.” I continued to gain weight. 

Almost two years ago now, I decided to move back to california, to an area I’d never even been to before. The beginning of my move was fairly rough. I was still in that very low spot when I moved, but I knew I wasn’t going to get out of it where I was. I gathered up pretty much every ounce of courage I had left, which wasn’t very much, and just decided to push on. I gave up the stress of my diets. Let go of my poor self esteem. Found a true friend in my life who didn’t see all of my faults and thought I was pretty much the bees knees. I delved into my art more and found endless support from the people around me. I quit smoking and quit drinking for the most part. I found a home. 

I was 183 pounds when I got to california and as soon as I found my happy place, the weight just started falling off. My clothes didn’t fit anymore, customers at work were noticing before I even noticed. I was just happy and hadn’t even thought about my weight. The only thing I was doing to forward my health was consciously thinking about portion control. Only eating until I wasn’t hungry anymore. And it was easy to do because I didn’t feel so stressed about what was going into my body. I didn’t feel lost or like I wasn’t going to be taken care of. I didn’t feel like I had to fill my body with food because it wasn’t getting what it needed emotionally. 

I lost 45 pounds doing absolutely nothing but changing my life. I changed my surroundings, lifestyle, habits, and goals and my body agreed with those changes. I made myself happy and everything else fell into place. People think that there is a miracle diet or workout routine that will make them look perfect, which I wholeheartedly agree that these things can HELP those in need. However, if you aren’t okay in your heart first, you will fail almost every time. I wrote this because people constantly notice my weight loss and ask me what diet I’m on. I’m not on a diet. I actually eat pretty much whatever I want. I just decided to fight back the voice that told me I didn’t deserve to be happy.

I hope this blog helps someone out there that is trying desperately to find a cure to their sadness and struggles. You can do it. Your mind is more powerful than you could ever imagine. You just have to want it. 

Being Yourself

I’ve realized recently how domineering our society really is. Even in the comfort of my own home, I have a debate with myself over what kind of comments, posts, or photos I should share with people I consider my “friends” and family on social media. I’ll tell you why. 

I’ve always been a people pleaser; a peace keeper of sorts. I rarely enjoy fighting, arguing and save debating for very important subjects that I care deeply about. Arguments and debates exhaust me. It may be because I’m an introvert or because I have the overwhelming fear of disappointing others. Whatever it may be, it affects how I am able to comfortably express myself, which severely bums me out. 

I know there are many people out there that thrive on a good debate and just wait for someone to post something on social media about politics, religion, gay rights etc so that they can pounce on it. More power to those of you that enjoy that and are able to fairly engage with each other in a reasonable, respectful manner. However, there are people who do so in less than respectful ways and are aggressive, unreasonable and downright rude. You people make me scared to post on even the slightest controversial topics. 

I was having a talk with my boyfriend the other day about drag queens and how I love that they aren’t afraid to go out in public with one another in their most elaborate outfits. The beauty of their crazy, awesome, beautiful appearances is that they have been able to abandon their fear of being different or being looked down on to an extent that at least makes them comfortable enough to be themselves. That is something beautiful to me. I really respect that and hope to be that strong some day. I still struggle with wearing certain outfits of mine in public that are perfectly normal outfits just for the sake that maybe ONE person will look at me strange. One. Those drag queens have EVERY person looking at them strange and they just flaunt it. I am so moved by that. Thank you for inspiring me to be myself. 

I believe in equality. I believe that every human being that has not harmed, attempted to harm, deceived, emotionally abused or psychologically abused another human being deserves anything and every opportunity they want to work for in life; no matter your size, color, orientation, religion etc. Love each other. Lift each other up. Debate if you must, but respect that another persons opinion is just as valuable as your own.